


Back to Zero

by BornToFly02



Series: Alec's Numbers [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood Protection Squad, Depressed Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Protective Clary Fray, Protective Isabelle Lightwood, Protective Jace Wayland, Protective Magnus Bane, Protective Maryse Lightwood, Protective Simon Lewis, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Magnus Bane, The Clave (Shadowhunter Chronicles)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24073729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BornToFly02/pseuds/BornToFly02
Summary: Sequel to Counting the DaysSet right after Iris’ spell, the group goes back to the Institute and the others finally know what the numbers are for.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis & Alec Lightwood
Series: Alec's Numbers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737313
Comments: 4
Kudos: 283





	Back to Zero

**Author's Note:**

> Serious discussion of mental health issues and self-harm
> 
> Ending is fluffy though (if I do say so myself)

When Iris was gone, Jace turned to his Parabatai.

“Alec, we have to go back.”

At the look in his brother’s eye, Alec paled slightly, his shoulders slumping.

“It was a spell, Jace. It wasn’t actually-“

“But the itch was there. I’ve been feeling it through the bond almost the entire day.”

“But I didn’t really-“

Alec was cut off a second time, this time by his sister.

“Come on big brother, it’s okay. We’re just changing the number again. I know it sucks, but it’ll be fine.”

Magnus, Simon, and Clary watched the siblings with frowns on their faces. Magnus felt a pool of dread form in his stomach.

“Alexander?”

His Shadowhunter couldn’t even meet his gaze.

Clary was concerned as well. There was no love lost between her and Alec but this was THE soldier. The one who followed all the rules and seemed to see perfection as the only option. He was stoic, strong, and opinionated. Not pale, shaking, and pleading.

“You didn’t tell him.” Isabelle said softly.

“I made it over a year this time Izzy.”

Jace sighed and silently asked his brother a question. At his reluctant nod, the blonde turned to the people who were out of the loop.

“Magnus, could you make a portal to the institute please? You are free to join us.”

With another worried glance at his Angel, the High Warlock of Brooklyn opened a portal that all six of them went through. On the other side, the group made their way to the training room first. Maryse Lightwood was there waiting for them.

They all knew the woman in one way or another but the three newcomers were surprised when they found the normally severe, professional woman pulling her eldest into a tearful hug.

“I’m so sorry mom.”

“It’s alright Alec, it wasn’t your fault. It never is.”

“I thought I was done.”

After a while of gentle words being exchanged, they pulled away and went over to the giant whiteboard. The number 438 was wiped away, replaced with a zero.

“What is going on?” Simon asked carefully.

Simon never really felt fully included in this group, in fact he was fairly certain that the only reason why he was invited was due to his relationship with Clary. But Alec seemed like a good guy. Don't get him wrong, he was a super intimidating dude, but he was never unnecessarily cruel. Seeing him like this was... well it was honestly a little frightening.

"My brother," Isabelle started, looking to said brother for extra confirmation that he was okay with it, "is the oldest. When we went to the City of Bones last year and I said 'heavy is the head that wears the crown', I wasn't kidding. For years Alec has trained harder than anyone I know to become the best at everything. Best soldier, best leader, best diplomat, best scholar. But sometimes, to his own mind, all his training isn't enough."

"I'd train," Alec croaked out, a blank mask falling over his face. "In the middle of the night, so no one would see. I'd shoot arrows until my bow was cutting into my hand and then shoot more. Hit the punching bag until my knuckles split. It was hard, all the expectations, the need to be the perfect shoulder everyone assumed I'd become. Then add my... preferences. It was my way of staying... in control."

Maryse spoke up next, honestly surprising the downworlders and Clary.

"I came up with the whiteboards. As both an incentive and a reminder. Every day that Alec finds a different, less self-destuctive, way to deal with his thoughts and feelings, the number gets bigger. When he has a relapse, we go back to zero."

"Back to square one." Alec said bitterly.

"No one in the Institute except us knows about this," Jace said seriously, making sure to meet each of their eyes. "I trust that you will keep this to yourselves."

"Of course." Clary said immediately, determination filling her gaze.

"Wait, not even your little brother? Or your dad?" Simon asked, confused as to how they could keep something so serious from certain members of their family.

Maryse's jaw clenched.

"Robert has no clue and it will stay that way. As I'm sure you've gathered, there are many views held in the mundane world that are not shared by the Clave. I fear my husband will fall on the side of the Clave in the case of mental health. As... backwards as it may seem, shadowhunters are expected to be above such this as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and such."

"And we definitely will not be told." Isabelle said. "When I found out... it was really hard. As close in age as we are, I'm still Alec's younger sister. So for years I had this image of who he was. With the gap between us and Max, his image of us, Alec and Jace especially, is more glorified. If he were to find out..."

"He probably wouldn't take it well."

After that, the group split up, Maryse to the ops center, Isabelle to her room to change the number there, Jace to his own to do the same, Clary and Simon to the artist's room to talk over what had happened and what they'd learned, and Magnus went with Alec to change the number in his room.

* * *

When Alec's personal whiteboard said zero once again, he just stared at it. Jace was right, he had been feeling that pressure on his chest all day but now it felt heavier than ever. With every breath it felt like he couldn't get enough air. The '0' seemed to taunt him, the scent of the dry erase marker was chocking him. He felt Magnus come up behind him, warm arms wrapping around his waist and the warlock's forehead pressing to the back of his neck."

"Alexander?"

"Can we go home?" Alec asked softly.

"Of course Alexander."

The pair stepped through a portal and quickly got ready for bed.

Magnus pulled his Shadowhunter against his chest.

"You know don't think any less of you."

"You should. I do."

"Alexander, this is nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm not necessarily ashamed, so much as disappointed. It's been so long, I thought I was finally done feeling like this."

Alec nuzzled into Magnus' chest, the feel of his boyfriend wrapped around him making him feel safe, taking some of the weight off his chest.

"I've been alive for hundreds of years. In that time I've been where you are more than once. There was even a time that I found myself standing on the edge of Blackfriar's Bridge."

The warlock smiled as the younger man seemed to get even closer.

"I'm still here. But the point is, even if you never feel better, if that feeling never fully goes away, there will always be people there for you. I will be here for you as long as you want me."

"You promise you won't leave me?" Alec whispered against his chest.

"Promise."

As Alec's breathing evened out, Magnus looked down at the angel sleeping in his arms and silently prayed that nothing would ever take his angel away.


End file.
